


There's Something Wrong With Kiwis and This Proves It

by ranereins (shadowintime)



Category: Hawaii Five-0 (2010)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Humor, Crack, Gen, Humor, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-03-01
Updated: 2011-03-01
Packaged: 2017-10-16 00:51:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,596
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/166679
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shadowintime/pseuds/ranereins
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Steve goes green.</p>
            </blockquote>





	There's Something Wrong With Kiwis and This Proves It

**Author's Note:**

> This is the 4th fic in a yet to be named new crack fic series that me and sgflutegirl have decided to do. You should really read the first 3 fics before you read this one as there are mentions of them in this one.
> 
> <<<\--- Fic #1: [This, Right Here, This Is Why I Hate Hawaii!](http://archiveofourown.org/works/166552) by sgflutegirl  
> Fic #2: [The Luau](http://archiveofourown.org/works/166098)  
> Fic #3: [Do You Like Pina Coladas?](http://archiveofourown.org/works/166559) by sgflutegirl

Steve looked up from his paperwork upon hearing his office door opening and the crackling of thin plastic and found Danny approaching his desk with a large basket in his arms. He raised an eyebrow. “You shouldn’t have.”

Danny gave him a forced smile as fought with the door which had caught on one of the handles of the basket. “I didn’t. This just came for you.”

“Oh.” Steve simply said as Danny placed the large basket on his desk with a show of effort.

Danny stared at him for a moment. “Oh? Someone sends you a huge fruit basket full of kiwis, which is very heavy I might add, and that’s all you’ve got? Oh?”

Steve gave him an amused look as he began to unwrap the basket. “What do you want me to say?”

“I dunno,” Danny replied with a shrug, sitting down on the edge of Steve’s desk. “But you had to have done something to merit such a gift.”

Steve thought for a moment, but couldn’t think of anything. Of course the people that they helped were always grateful, but he imagined that if they were to send something, it would be to the team, not him specifically. “I can’t think of anything.”

“The kiwis don’t mean anything to you? Or… to someone else?

Steve grabbed the card and stared at his partner. “What are you getting at Danny?”

Danny shrugged, picking at invisible lint on his pants. “I dunno… just never mind. Read the stupid card.”

Steve smirked and opened the card, purposely hiding the writing from Danny’s view. “Oh, now that’s just…” Steve looked at Danny and shoved the card back into the envelope. “Well, never mind.”

Danny leaned over the desk, trying to get a view of the message. “What? It’s what?!”

Steve’s smirk grew. “You are such a jealous boyfriend.”

“I am not jealous, I am rationally concerned Steven,” Danny reasoned. “Do you not remember how it turned out the last time an ex came back into your life? He shot up our house and tried to kill us all. If another potentially crazy ex is trying to reach out to you, I deserve to know so that I can prepare myself for the next near death experience.”

“Relax Danno,” Steve said with a chuckle, “it’s just from Hesse.”

Danny froze. “It’s just… just from Hesse,” he said in disbelief. “You say that like it’s normal to receive a fruit basket from the man who murdered your father and tried to blow up our friend.”

“Alright, given, it’s not normal to receive a fruit basket from an enemy,” Steve conceded, “but he’s locked up tight in jail. I’ve decided to save years of my life by not worrying about him. He’s probably just finally hit him that he’s yesterday’s news and is trying to screw with us in an attempt to become relevant again.”

“Or, there’s a bomb buried in the basket and he’s trying to kill us in a blast of abnormal fruit and fire.”

“Building security checks everything that comes into the building that we don’t carry in ourselves, if there was a bomb, they would have found it and it never would have made it this far.” Steve furrowed his brow. “Abnormal fruit?”

“Yeah, I dunno, there’s just something wrong with kiwis. Normal fruit doesn’t feel like it needs a shave and should not in any way feel prickly… which is yet another problem that I have with pineapples. In the wild, that is what you call a defense mechanism, it’s designed to discourage animals from eating it.”

“Fascinating,” Steve said seriously.

“Thank you, it’s called the Discovery Channel, PBS, Animal Planet.”

“I wasn’t talking about the fun fact.”

Danny narrowed his eyes at him, but continued on. “And also, it should not be green on the inside. On normal fruit, if it’s that color of green, it’s not ripe!”

“I can tell you feel passionately about this.”

“Do not mock me Steven.” Steve grinned and grabbed one of the kiwis with one hand and pulled his pocket knife out with the other. “Whoa, you’re actually going to eat them?”

Steve stared at him, befuddled. “Yeah, why not?”

“You’re not worried that he might have done something to them?”

Steve inspected the kiwi in his hand, the thought giving him pause. “I think it’d be pretty hard to poison a kiwi… you can’t exactly inject it with anything without visible punctures and dipping it in something wouldn’t do a whole lot of good either because you peel it.”

“Just because it wouldn’t be easy, doesn’t mean Hesse couldn’t find someone who could manage it,” Danny argued.

“I think getting me this note was the goal.”

“What does it say?”

“We’re not through.”

“How very imaginative.”

“I don’t think anyone ever accused Hesse of being overly imaginative,” Steve said as he begun to peel the kiwi.

Danny made a face. “Oh come on, don’t… please.”

“Danny, I’ll be fine.”

“This is some sort of SEAL pride thing, isn’t it? You don’t eat the kiwi, then Hesse wins or some sort of crap like that?” Danny guessed. “Fine, whatever, eat the damn kiwi. I’m just going to be over here with 911 and a ‘I told you so’ on standby.” Danny pulled out his cell phone and sat on the couch in the corner, crossing his legs and imputing 911 into his cell, his thumb hovering over send.

Steve finished peeling the kiwi and bit off half of it, chewing with great show. “Mmm, so good and juicy.” Danny gave him a fake smile and held up his cell, thumb still hovering, in response.

After an hour of waiting and watching carefully for any changes in Steve, Danny finally decided that he was going to be alright after all and returned to his office to catch up on his own stack of paperwork.

 

~H50~ ~H50~ ~H50~

 

Danny, Chin and Kono entered Steve’s office, chuckling about something. “Hey boss, we’re about to head out to lunch, you wanna…” Chin began.

“Are you still eating those?!” Danny exclaimed upon seeing Steve eating more kiwi.

Steve popped another slice of kiwi into his mouth. “Danny, they’re not poison, I thought we established this.”

Danny looked at the fruit basket which was now half empty. “You’ve eaten half the basket though!”

“Yeah, I know,” Steve said, guilt evident in his voice. “I just can’t seem to stop eating them though; they’re really good.”

“You’d better find the willpower,” Chin said, surveying Steve’s complexion, “you’re starting to look a little green.”

Steve frowned and pulled a mirror from his desk; his skin did seem to have a slight greenish tint. “Hmm, guess I’ve ingested a little too much chlorophyll.”

“Oh, ya think?!” Steve shot him a look. “Come on, let’s get some normal food in you, maybe you’ll return to a normal color before people start thinking you’re the Hulk.”

“Haha,” Steve said sarcastically, moving around his desk towards the door.

“You keep a mirror in your desk?” Danny asked as they walked to the elevator.

“Oh, like you don’t have one stashed somewhere.”

“I don’t, in fact.”

“Oh please, I’ve seen you primping in the car mirrors.”

“Ok, let’s get on thing straight, I do not primp! I have never primped, nor will I ever,” Danny protested.

“No, of course not, what was I thinking?” Steve said.

As they waited for the elevator to come, Kono noticed a decorative bowl containing a pineapple, a star fruit and a coconut. “What the…” he looked at Steve and pointed to the bowl. “Is that your doing?”

Steve looked at the bowl and shook his head. “Why is it that when one or more of those fruits shows up, I get blamed for it? It wasn’t me.”

“Because you’re the only one who’s escaped being turned,” Kono supplied.

Chin gave him a disappointed look. “It’s not funny brah.”

“Look, I swear on my sister, it isn’t me. Are you happy now?” Steve asked as the elevator doors opened.

“Much as he may not like her at times, he wouldn’t swear on Mary if he wasn’t telling the truth.” Chin and Kono nodded in agreement.

“Thank you.” As they stepped inside, Steve began to hum the pina colada song. With a smirk, Danny joined in. Kono suppressed a smirk.

Chin shot them a look. “Be glad you’re my superiors.”

 

~H50~ ~H50~ ~H50~

 

Danny poked his head into Steve’s office at the end of the day. “Hey, are you ready to… Steve?” Kono passed by on her way out. “Hey Kono, have you seen Steve?”

“Last I saw he was in his office.”

“Yeah, that’s what I thought, but he’s not here.”

Kono frowned; she’d seen him in there not five minutes ago. “He was looking even greener than before, maybe he’s in the bathroom.”

“That’s probably what it is.” Danny went to check the bathroom. Kono followed and waited outside. “Ok, well, he’s not in there.”

“Chin’s finishing up a database check; I’ll go ask if he’s seen him.”

“Thanks.” Danny went back to Steve’s office and wondered around the desk to sit and wait. Lying in the chair was a kiwi. Danny picked it up, plopped down in the chair and began tossing the kiwi up into the air and catching it. He tipped the fruit basket towards him and found that it was empty. “Guess we’d better stop by the drug store and get some stuff for an upset stomach on the way home.”

Kono poked her head into the office. “Chin hasn’t seen him. He’s pulling up the security footage though.”

“Alright.” Danny tossed the kiwi into the basket and pushed out of the chair.

Chin turned as he heard footsteps approaching, a mixture of worry and fear on his face. “So, we may potentially have a problem.”

“What?” Danny asked, fear rising within him. Chin hit play on the video and they watched in horror as Steve turned lime green and disappeared. “Oh. My. God.”

“What?”

“The fruit basket was empty, but there was a kiwi in Steve’s chair!”

“You don’t think…”

“I tossed him in the air and threw him in the basket!” Danny yelled, already running back to Steve’s office. He fished the kiwi out of the basket and cradled it in his hands, looking for signs of bruising.

 

~H50~ ~H50~ ~H50~

 

Hesse walked into the visitation area with a smirk firmly in place. Danny clenched his fists and wished that there wasn’t a sheet of Plexiglas between them so that he could strangle the man; it was for the best though. Hesse picked up the phone, “Detective Williams, to what do I owe the pleasure?”

“You know good and well what I’m here for you son of a bitch!”

“Do I?”

“You turned my… you turned Steve into a kiwi!”

“Now how could I possibly do that from behind bars?” Hesse asked smugly.

Danny gritted his teeth. “Do not screw with me Hesse. We both know you did it, the card was signed. Now how do I turn him back?”

Hesse noticed what appeared to be a small blue gift box lined with a wadded up cloth that held a kiwi. “Is that him?”

“How do I turn him back?” he asked more forcefully.

Hesse leaned forwards to get a better look. “Aww, that’s adorable.”

“Tell me how!” Danny yelled, no longer able to contain his anger.

Hesse flopped back in his chair, his smirk turning malicious. “Can’t be done.”

“Don’t you dare lie to me, I am in no mood!”

“If I’m gonna do something, I’m gonna make it permanent, aren’t I?” He laughed. “He’s going to be a kiwi forever… or… at least until he rots.”

Danny gnashed his teeth together so hard that it made his head hurt. “You had better be lying or else I swear I’m going to…”

“You’re gonna what?” Hesse asked, daring Danny to threaten him.

Danny smiled and leaned forwards. “I’m going to make you wish that you’d never come to Hawaii, never even heard the name McGarrett – or Williams for that matter, that you’d just let your brother rot in whatever hole he was going to.” With that, Danny picked up the box containing Steve and stormed away.

 

~H50~ ~H50~ ~H50~

 

When Danny returned to Five-O headquarters, he went to Steve’s office, sat in Steve’s chair and pinched the bridge of his nose in hopes of relieving his now pounding headache. After a moment, he gently scooped the kiwi out of the box and stared at it. A knock came at the glass door and Danny found Kono and Chin staring at him through it. He waved them in.

“How’d it go?” Chin asked softly.

“Not well. Hesse says that it’s permanent, that he’ll stay like this until… until he rots.”

“He’s lying,” Kono said. “Well, sort of.”

“We talked to anyone and everyone we know that knows anything about this sort of stuff; we asked them to talk to anyone that they know that might know something too. Remember how Steve started turning green and he said that he must have had too much chlorophyll?” Danny nodded. “He was closer to the truth than he knew. Almost all of the people that we talked to said that once the chlorophyll left his system, he’d turn back.”

“Yeah, they said that with a curse like this, it’s expected for the person to eat the cursed fruit over a matter of days, that way the chlorophyll buildup is slow. The time that it takes for the person to turn back is directly linked to how long it took the chlorophyll to build up. Since he ate them all in a single day, the chlorophyll should break down enough within a day or so of him turning.”

Danny breathed a sigh of relief. “Oh thank god. Ya hear that Steve? You should be back to normal soon. God, I’m talking to fruit… see what this has done to me?!” Kono and Chin smiled. “Wait a second, what did you mean by Hesse was sort of lying?”

Kono and Chin exchanged a look, trying to decide whether to tell him or not. “If he had eaten the kiwis over a matter of days, chances are he would have rotted before he turned back.”

“But, he didn’t,” Kono said quickly, trying to bring his focus back to the positive, “so at worst, he might be a little green for a while.”

“This island is going to put me in an early grave.”

 

~H50~ ~H50~ ~H50~

 

Steve sat up in bed and stretched so that he could see himself in the mirror; it had been a few hours since he had turned back and his skin was still a funny, yet not as noticeable, shade of green.

Danny poked his head through their bedroom door. “Hey, you feel up for a visitor?”

Steve smiled. He knew that the only reason Danny had asked was because he wanted to make sure that Steve’s pigment wouldn’t be too unnerving for Grace. “Of course.”

Danny opened the door wider and Grace made her way past Danny and over to the bed. “Danno said you were kind of green,” she said looking Steve over as she crawled on the bed beside him.

Steve gave her a hug. “Yeah, I just ate something that didn’t agree with me, nothing to worry about.”

Danny slid onto the bed beside Grace and leaned over her to whisper in Steve’s ear. “I haven’t gotten to say it yet… I told you so.”


End file.
